Blog post #7

April 20^th, 2013

Today was a good day. I’m not generally a fan of days that lean too much on commerce—there are many things I’d rather do than spend a whole day shopping. But this morning, we took the girls to the Midlands Mall, to buy a few things & to go to the Fun Place (that’s really what it’s called). We attempted this same outing last night, and it did not go well. A’s behavior, & my bad attitude about A’s behavior, did not warrant a blog post. Plus, to our great surprise, the entire mall closes at 6pm. So our mission was cut short anyway.

This morning, we started out with more strategy. There were talks about expectations ahead of time; there were rewards in place; there were consequences outlined; there were three cups of coffee drunk before leaving the lodge.

The first thing that made today go better was a simple invention known as a shopping cart. At malls around here, you can rent (yes, for money) shopping carts that you can take all around the mall. The girls loudly requested one that looked like a car with two steering wheels. I know many of my friends’ children will no longer get into a shopping cart, but these girls sure will. Tabby’s legs were apparently not created for walking, and A has NEVER had the experience of riding in a shopping cart, except for these past few days with us. Keeping them in the shopping cart made things so much easier—A is what we affectionately call “handsy.” She touches everything, including trashcans, garbage she sees on the ground, expensive clothes, just-washed windows, you get the point. So with the girls happily eating snacks in the cart, we were able to buy supplies for the lodge, as well as new dresses for them for court on Wednesday.

I had wanted the girls to wear matching dresses for court, not because I am that mom who wants her children to match all the time, but because it fosters attachment and helps create a family identity, especially on court day. Getting them to agree on a dress, & to both fit in some version of the dress, was not easy, but we did it! Happy girls, pretty dresses, satisfied mommy.

On to the Fun Place, a virtual indoor carnival. A rode her first fair rides—swings that go up in the air (my personal favorite), a boat that veers back & forth sloppily, and a six-seated ride that hoists you up in the air & lets you down fast. Both girls had a blast. No child likes when the fun ends, but what we’ve come to notice about A is that right after she receives something good or fun, she feels let down, & she goes silent. We are frequently up against her unresponsiveness when she doesn’t get what she wants. So while Tabby was bummed that it ended, she thanked us & moved on; A refused to say thank you, or anything, and sulked the whole way home. The inward battle for us is to not let that sour last note become the loudest. We have to remember that the morning was 95% good and peaceful and fun.

After a long nap, hide & seek, dinner, and cleaning up, the night ended with the most ridiculous tickle fight, instigated by A. She really came alive & was making me laugh so hard. She was as affectionate as she has ever been, and allowed Tabby to be a part of the laughter, too. It was hard to calm them down for sleep, but it was a great, uplifting end to the day. Tomorrow we will attempt to find a church in Durban to visit as a family. 

Blog post #5

April 18, 2013

What’s that I hear? It’s momentary silence. And I am taking the opportunity to write. A is napping, Tabby is having quiet time in bed with crayons, and Jamie is reading. This morning has probably been the best so far, behavior-wise. Only a few small instances of bickering or disobeying. We spent the morning at Tala Game Reserve. We drove through for almost two hours, spotting giraffes, gazelles, wild boars, bison, hippos, and ostriches. And one animal I couldn’t name—maybe an antelope? The animals came so close to our car windows & just stared at us as we took pictures. This is nothing like the “safari” at Six Flags! We are clearly on their turf, not the other way around. The animals all looked healthy, happy, and at home in their environment, which made my heart glad. The girls were funny—there was some initial excitement over each animal, but it eventually turned into, “I already saw a bison. I’m going to keep looking at my books.” They are a tough crowd to wow. Jamie & I marveled at the variety of improbable-looking trees. There were twelve foot cacti, and beautiful yellow & purple wildflowers.

After the Game Reserve, we headed home for hide & seek and lunch. A is still having a hard time sharing with Tabby, but she is doing a little better. I’m coming to see that she has a stubborn spirit, which will make some things hard, but can be an asset in the long run. The few times I have insisted that she apologize to someone or say thank you to Tabby, it has clearly been very hard for her. She does not like to recognize when Tabby does something right, or when she, herself, does something wrong. Aren’t we all like that? I think the things that frustrate me most with her are the things I don’t like to see in myself. But progress is definitely being made. I think once they can understand each other better, and once A is on Tabby’s turf, they will get a better relationship going.

We are counting down the days till we can move to Durban. On Monday, we and the other family meet together with the adoption lawyers. It will also be Tabby’s 4^th birthday that day, so they will make our meeting into a party of sorts, replete with cupcakes. Clearly they are in the business of working with families. Tuesday is the big day—court! That is the day A will officially become a part of our family. We will be making a big deal of the day—dressing up, taking family photos, going out for ice cream afterwards. Already, whenever we talk about that day, we jump up & down and smile to let A know that we are joyful to bring her into our family. She has started adding “Gaffga” to her name, which makes me smile. She asks me to write it down for her, and she copies it in her six-year-old handwriting. Whenever we say, “Tuesday is court,” Tabby likes to say, “And then you’ll be ours!!”  

Blog post #4

April 16^th, 2013

Tonight we took A & Tabby to the Pavillion Mall in Westville.  The other family had gone the night before, and said there was a restaurant with a play area that their kids loved. So we took the girls to have dinner. This was A’s first experience in a mall & she was very over stimulated. The first object of intrigue was the escalator. I explained it to her before we went down it, & insisted she hold my hand. (A is a VERY physical, VERY vocal child. In America, she would probably quickly be diagnosed with ADHD.) She was over-the-top excited by the escalator, grinning, exclaiming, asking to get back on. We had one more escalator to go down before finding our level, so she got the experience twice in a row. As we walked, looking for the CNA bookstore, we passed by another escalator, going up, and she nearly tugged my arm out of its socket, trying to go up it!

At the bookstore, we were able to find a Bible in Zulu for A, which she was very excited about. She can’t read yet, so I try to sound out the words for her, & when she recognizes them, she tells me how to pronounce them properly. It’s pretty cool! We also picked up a basic phrase book for English & Zulu, and the girls got to pick out bubbles. I was happy to see that when Tabby picked the same kind as A, A didn’t mind or change her choice. I see that tiny interaction as progress. There was a lot of touching things, asking what things were, a lot of “Mommy, loooooook!!”, and a fair amount of asking for things in the store. But they had a great time & ultimately followed all the rules.

After the bookstore, we headed to the restaurant. We definitely wanted to keep the trip short, since A was so amped up and a little difficult to contain. We got a table right next to the play area, and the girls had very different reactions to it. A didn’t want to order or eat, she just wanted to run in & play. Tabby had to be coaxed and prodded in, because she is always afraid there will be yelling or hitting or some sort of naughtiness in areas like that. A pointed at random to something on the menu & ran into the play area. She was so excited that she was truly dysregulated, making all kinds of shrieks & noises, jumping up & down, really over-the-top. The girls eventually had fun playing in there together, and that was a success. I forget sometimes that every single experience is new for A, and she also doesn’t have the language to process her new experiences. She has never been to one of those hamster-tube climbing places—this was so novel & fun for her. It was a little difficult to sit back & enjoy watching her delight in these new things, because Tabby, who is very used to all this fun, kept doing typical sibling things, “I want to go on there first!” “I wanted the blue one she has!” “No, A! You’re not supposed to climb up there!” I always thought Tabby had a bottomless pit of need for attention—she has always wanted me to watch everything she does & compliment/encourage her every ten seconds. (Those of you who have seen it in action know that it is more than the average child!) Now there are two VERY needy little girls, who want our undivided attention and praise. Even in the best moments, our days here are LONG. And even on the longest days, there are the BEST moments.

On the way home, A sang along to every song on Tabby’s favorite CD. It is so sweet & heart-warming to hear her husky, raspy little voice singing songs about God. Those are my favorite moments out here. 

Blog post #3

April 14^th, 2013

Today has been a tough one. We have spent the morning at the lodge, and the girls are now separated, A is napping & Tabby is having quiet time. The sibling rivalry & trouble with sharing starts the moment they wake up now. They are waking up much earlier here than Tabby ever did at home, so I am unable to have any moments to myself before facing the long day ahead. That is really hard for me. At home, I wake up an hour and half before Tabby so that I can have quiet time, coffee, & shower before greeting her happily. Here there is clamoring before I even open my eyes.

A’s desire to have everything Tabby has, and everything the other children in the house have, is frustrating to me. I have read about this with children who are adopted at a slightly older age, and I know that it is normal. But it is still unpleasant to have given someone so much so quickly, and still have them constantly ask for more. I know that it is a matter of A being overwhelmed with plenty after having so little. But to give so much & still have two small people constantly asking for more is tiresome. The resounding phrase from A around here is, “And for me! Me I want this!” I look forward to a day when they can share! (Said every mother everywhere.)

We had fun swimming this morning, braving the cold water and splashing around. A was very proud of her ability to swim; Tabby just loves being near a pool. This afternoon, we are heading to the zoo in Durban. A’s favorite animal is a zebra (she says it with a short e—zebbra), but she has never seen a real live one.

 Pool Time!

These monkeys run wild at the zoo...

Blog post #2 - Part 2

PART 2

At Lily of the Valley, they have a farewell party for each child before they leave with their new parents. For S, her party was in House 7, with the other children who live in that house. She is four years old & the baby of her house. A is also the youngest in her house, House 8. Because she is a little older than S, rather than have the other girls from House 8 be her partygoers, A was allowed to choose three friends to invite to her party. That process was very exciting for her, and heartbreaking for me to watch. She delighted in having the power to invite or not invite. These children so rarely have any power or any prominence, and it makes sense that she felt very special and powerful. She has three best friends, which we knew from our time Skyping with her. She walked around the campus, holding my hand, with Tabby trailing closely, visiting each of her friend’s homes to ask if they could come to the party. I couldn’t understand the Zulu, but it seemed like a lot of other children asked if they could come, and the answer was no.

When it was time for the party, A’s house mother, Ma Sponghile, told each child where to sit around the table. First A, then Tabby, then her three chosen friends, then two children from House 8 with whom she is close. The children were all very serious, except for Tabby & A. A was wild with excitement, laughing and joking around. She has shown no hesitancy to come live with us and be a part of our family. The party consisted of the children eating outlandish amounts of junk food: lollipops, chips, cake, chocolate, unnaturally colored marshmallowy treats. No forks or napkins, no washing of hands ahead of time—just a plate full of sugar and salt. Tabby was over the moon excited, as she is never allowed to eat like that! The drink options were emerald green soda, fuschia soda, or purple soda.

Tabby handed me her package of chips to open, as she usually would. All the children watched this simple interaction, as if it was foreign. Most of them were struggling to tear open their bags with their teeth. After a pause, A said, “Mommy!” and handed me her bag to open. It wasn’t a first instinct for her to ask for help, but she was excited to be mothered in the simplest way. The other children then began passing their bags to A to have me open them. That kind of broke my heart. Seeing them so serious, bingeing on junk food, while A delighted in her new “daughter status,” as a small crowd of left-out children watched through the window sent me to the bathroom crying. People have reminded me that all adoption involves loss, but I really felt it in that moment.

After the party, A said goodbye to her house mom & to Ms. Mbali, her favorite staff at Lily. Mbali & A have had a very special, close relationship, which has made A capable of attaching to us. We will always be grateful to her. In the months leading up to this adoption, we really didn’t know much about A. When we prayed for her, we would always pray for someone to take special time to invest in her & love on her. Mbali was certainly the answer to that prayer. And she started investing in A when she was just a baby.

After saying goodbye, we made our way to the cars with the other family. At this point, we were absolutely exhausted, emotionally & physically. The children swarmed our cars, trying to open the doors out of curiosity, and asked a million questions, as we carried our tired kiddos into their seats. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, though I knew important things were happening for me there. I just wanted a shower, some food, and a good night’s sleep. Luckily, I get to leave that place & get myself those things. I am very, very fortunate that that is my situation. But I will not forget that those things are out of reach for so many. And we took A out of that situation, and back to our lodge.  

Main entrance to Lily

Ma Sponghile

Blog post #2 - Part 1

April 12, 2013—Part 1

Today seemed to last forever. As I write, I am EXHAUSTED!! But the good, well-fought type of exhaustion. We started the day by heading to a nearby mall to purchase donations for the orphanage and gifts for the women who have taken such good care of A since she was a baby. It was a long drive to get there, and I had the unexpected joy of spotting a gazelle on our way! There are also cool, long-beaked shiny black birds here called “hadidas.”

Walking in to the mall was a bit of culture shock. It was very much like a mall at home in the US, though prices were a lot more reasonable. After starting to get accustomed to the dusty, bare-foot, laid-back, free-for-all of Camperdown, it was odd to again be in a big, air-conditioned place of commerce. We purchased a dozen backpacks for the children at Lily of the Valley, as well as winter clothes, as it’s beginning to get cold here. It felt wrong to be strolling around the mall, while our new little girl was still waiting for us at the orphanage. But it was to be her last day there, and we wanted to give her time with her friends and house mom before we took her to stay with us full time. (For months we’ve been told that the first two weeks here will be spent slowly and gradually spending more time with A until she finally feels ready to come sleep over at our lodge at the end of two weeks. Apparently in African time, that means that on our third day of knowing her, she will come with us full-time. This is also the case for S, who will come to stay with us with her new mom, dad, little sister, and same-aged brother. It will be one loud, crazy house!)

When we pulled up to the orphanage, A literally sprinted across the campus and jumped into my arms as I opened the car door. The other awesome family that is staying with us snapped a great photo of that moment.  A was not a big fan of us bringing donations for Lily, as they were new things that weren’t for her. It is a tricky business giving a lot of new things to an adopted child without starting a vibe of “Mine! Gimme! I want!” Six long years of having nothing of her own has left A asking for everything. I trust this will calm down as she adjusts to life with us, but at this point, there is a lot of saying No.

A delighted in showing us off to her friends at Lily. The other days we had visited, all her friends were in school, except for S. So this was the first time she got to introduce us to her peers. There was a fair amount of showing us off, calling us “mommy” and “daddy” loudly in front of other children. I had very mixed emotions about it all. I wanted to meet A’s needs and nurture her, but it felt cruel to do so in front of the other kiddos. I felt watched from all angles as I carried her and paid attention to her. Some of the older kids were reserved, and watched us from afar with curious eyes. The kids who were friends with A felt fine swarming us, asking questions, dying to see A’s photo album—a book of pictures of our family & home that we had sent ahead for her to see. They all wanted to know if we are going to America TODAY, & if we live in NEW YORK! They wanted to know if A was really going to ride in an airplane. There were also a few tiny toddlers, ambling around barefoot, noses running, following us. We wanted to pick them up & dote on them, and sometimes we did, but A didn’t appreciate it much.

Watching Tabby at the orphanage was joyful/stressful. She was not shy at all, and ran straight for the trampoline (or as we call it, “the death trap”). It is a medium sized trampoline, built into the ground, with eight-inch springs all around it. Tabby’s little legs frequently fell through those springs & got her caught. Under the trampoline, in the hole in the ground that provides room for bouncing, there is trash, single shoes, all kinds of things. The kids that live at Lily got off of the trampoline every time Tabby got on—they seemed very eager to keep her safe. That made me feel grateful and also sad. I don’t want them to believe that our white daughter deserves any more caution/privilege/safety than they do. But at the same time, I would not let Tabby do half of the things I see them do! For instance, A does flips on the trampoline. Yikes! These kids have learned all kinds of unsafe tricks to amuse themselves. They eat anything that comes their way without washing their hands. They go to the bathroom without washing their hands, and then suck their thumbs. And only the toddlers seem to be sick. They must have built up immunities. I, on the other hand, am a mess. Sinuses infected, eyes watering, ears aching. Whatever immunities I have, they don’t work here!

Blog post #1 - We're Here!

April 11, 2013  It has been a long two days in Kwa-Zulu Natal! After a grueling 26 hours of travel, Jamie, Tabby, & I finally landed at King Shaka International Airport in Durban, South Africa. A friendly, helpful social worker from the adoption agency met us at the airport and gave us some helpful tips. After waiting in line & finally finding our rental car, our luggage did not fit in it. After rental car, take 2, we headed for Emoyeni Lodge, our first place to stay during this seven-week adventure. Jamie had to jump right in to driving on the opposite side of the road, and we wondered aloud what all the foreign road signs meant. I continually try to get into the passenger seat on the wrong side…good thing I’m not our driver.

Finding Emoyeni Lodge was quite an adventure. It is down several dirt roads that our GPS does not recognize. We saw a fast, adorable group of three monkeys as we were arriving. Our accommodations are…underwhelming. We are definitely outside of our comfort zone on every level here. I am apparently allergic to Africa, as I’ve had the most unbelievable sinus congestion, sneezing, etc., since we have arrived. But the land and scenery is gorgeous. Everywhere I look, I see new flowers, trees, and birds. There are rolling hills and vast grasslands. We had to stop fast for something that may have been an ox (?) crossing the road, and then again for a slow toad. We will never tire of looking at this beautiful country.

Yesterday we headed to Lily of the Valley Children’s Village, where our new daughter, “A”, lives. We are staying & traveling with another family, from Seattle, who are also adopting from Lily. They have brought along their two biological kids, just as we have brought along Tabby. The seven of us waited anxiously in a conference room at Lily, while a volunteer went to fetch A and “S,” the other family’s adorable new daughter. Tabby could not contain herself. She kept running up & down the halls, yelling, “Where’s my sister!?!”

When A finally arrived, she ran through the front door with a shy smile on her face. Tabby was the first to get a hug, but she quickly & willingly came to me & Jamie, to hug us and let us pick her up. She was smaller than I had imagined, and beautiful to look at. She has the most radiant smile. She recognized us right away, as we have had the chance to Skype with her a few times before coming to South Africa.

Those first few hours were eye-opening. So many good signs: hugging us, calling us “mommy” and “daddy,” smiling and engaging. When we gave her snacks, she grabbed them eagerly, but then broke them into pieces & shared them with her friends. She never keeps food to herself, though she seems to be always hungry. There were also worrisome aspects: she is LOUD and wild and clearly used to dealing with peers. We had moments of worrying how she would impact Tabby’s behavior, and if she would ever settle down. But we had so much fun talking to her & watching her & Tabby play tag. Tabby followed A around all day, and A loved to give her piggyback rides and hold her hand. A is surprisingly nurturing—helping Tabby put on her shoes and zip her sweatshirt (“jersey” here).

To our surprise, we were able to take A out of the orphanage our very first day. We took her to lunch, along with the other adoptive family. A and S are close friends at Lily, so it helped them both to be together. Our A is an eager and adventurous eater! She was quick to try everything offered to her, and encouraged picky Tabby to eat her food. She also loves to sing in the car, with her sweet, husky voice. She sang some songs I would prefer she not know, and also made up melodies, singing, “Taaaaaabby, Tabby, Tabby, Taaaaaaabby!”

Dropping her off at the orphanage was not fun for anyone. A became very sad and withdrawn on the way back from lunch. She refused to leave the car, and had to be coaxed/pulled out. She didn’t seem to believe that we would be back for her the next morning. For us, it was sad to see her feeling sad and not trusting that we would be back. But it was important to head back to the Lodge, just the three of us, to process all the day had held. Tomorrow morning, we will head back to Lily to pick up A & bring her to spend the day with us at the Lodge.

Thank you all for praying for us and for supporting us along this wild ride. God is good and faithful, and His plan for us here in Kwa-Zulu Natal is better than we could ever have hoped for.